I hope one of my fans has one of your kids shot: and blames it on acid, prozac and slipknot

Okay. You know, I lost my family. Wife divorced me. Kids won't even talk to me. And for what?

Dear Angry Older People, over 21-ish, anyone who considers themselves an adult, still bitter: Next time you're wondering what wrong with kids today, you might wanna check the examples you've been giving us to work with.

All these kids you can't seem to make any sense of would stop holding you so far off the edge of your seats if you'd start holding yourselves to the promises you make. We know you're not perfect because we're not. And I know I ain't perfect. But I believe I was meant to be.

That's exactly what you are! You're just a kid who has no... idea... WHAT HE'S DOING!!!

At first Onitsha looked very strange to Chike. He could not say who was a thief or kidnapper and who was not. In Umuofia every thief was known, but here even people who lived under the same roof were strangers to one another.

Man, I was tame compared to what they do now. Are you kidding? I didn't do anything but just jiggle.

People have to take responsibility for their own lives, and if they are struggling but working hard to help themselves then they should get help. But if they choose to have 10 kids they should take responsibility for that choice and look after them, not expect everyone else to foot the bill!

What the fuck? Easy boy, you're not well! Hey, listen Ricky, the bit about the broccoli, I was just kidding. Seriously, want a drink? No! No! NOOOO!

Alok tried to ask the professor for a re-quiz, who stared back as if he had been asked for both his kidneys.

There are hundreds of families in the UK who earn over £60,000 in benefits without lifting a finger because they have so many kids (and for the rest of us that’s a wage of over £90,000 before tax!).

If there is no coaching, how will we produce sports persons? If any sports event takes place, the kids are just taken there to participate. If there is no training or camp, how will our children progress? If there is any tournament, children are called and taken to participate - this is Assam's sports policy.

Families who have never worked a day in their lives having 4 or 5 kids and the rest of us having 1 or 2 means it’s not long before we’re drowning in a vast sea of unemployed wasters that we pay to keep! Iain Duncan Smith’s cap proposal is spot on!

Sell the kids for food
weather changes moods
spring is here again
reproductive glands

That's how much we love Michael. We love Michael so much, we let the first kid slide.

I try to keep it positive and play it cool
Shoot up the playground and tell the kids to stay in school