George Carlin Quotes

Nobody makes me do anything I don't want to do. It's my decision. So the biggest devil is me. I'm either my best friend or my worst enemy. And that's how I have to deal with it.

Success always obsoletes the very behavior that achieved it.

One is not born a genius, one becomes a genius; and the feminine situation has up to the present rendered this becoming practically impossible.

Expect the best. Prepare for the worst. Capitalize on what comes.

One is telling a story about old times when someone breaks in with a little detail that he happens to know, implying that one's own version is inaccurate — disgusting behavior! (p. 46)

Were Women all like those whom here I name,
Woman to man I surely would prefer;
The Sun is feminine, nor deems it shame;
The Moon, though masculine, depends on her.

Most people don’t have very many numbers in their address book they use their recents as their address book. Right? How many of you do that? I bet more than a few.

(After Franklin transforms and behaves like The Mask) Oh dear. This is just what he did at Nixon's funeral.

True peace of mind comes from accepting the worst.

The Unseasonable man is one who will go up to a busy person, and open his heart to him. He will serenade his mistress when she has a fever. He will address himself to a man who has been cast in a surety-suit, and request him to become his security. He will come to give evidence when the trial is over.

Were Women all like those whom here I name,
Woman to man I surely would prefer;
The Sun is feminine, nor deems it shame;
The Moon, though masculine, depends on her.

Laws are never as effective as habits.

Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my armpits and then I smell them like this!

There’s a psychological phenomenon called ‘reactance,’ that means when people believe that their choices are being limited or they’re going to have to engage in costly behaviors, they’re likely to push back against that and the message can backfire.

These bad actors have made a business out of publishing increasingly extreme and hateful content because it makes them money.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do iiiiiaaaauuugghh!