Robin Williams Quotes

Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer: You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.

[On husbands sharing their wives' childbearing experience] Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumcise yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so!

We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

I would like to do for you now, a Japanese science fiction movie: "Attack of the Killer Vibrators."

One of the fundamental things is in a jihad. That sounds like a country western term like, "Jiii-had!

There is one man that we can run for office that even the French would say "Fuck off!" That man...is Jack Nicholson. Yes! You will never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone!

In the midst of all this, there was Bernie Madoff. An embezzler named "made off." Hmm. Was the name not a clue? Did he have to be with the accounting firm of Dewey, Fuckyou, and Howe?

Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table is ready.

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

My God, what am I doing here? It's weird. How do you get to the Met? Money! Lots and lots of money! I can imagine Pavarotti next door at the improv going, "Two Jews walk into a bar...

(Imitating Pavarotti) "It is amazing I know it is huge. BEHOLD IT. IT IS GROWING. ALL OF MY PHALLUS IS A SHOWING!

Cocaine addiction is God's way of saying "You make too damn much money!