George Carlin Quotes

The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers...but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!

Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.

I am a Bad American is another mass-forwarded internet message often attributed to George Carlin, but was not written by him.

They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting skin cancer in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory appearance of good health, while germ-laden medical waste washes up on the sand all around them. (entitled Surf's Down Forever, p. 207)

An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see:

There are two-way words, like, it's okay for Curt Gowdy to say, "Roberto Clemente has two balls on him!" But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?"

Undisputed heavyweight champion." Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about?

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me!

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body

I think I am, therefore I am. I think.

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic- I'm an acrostic, the whole thing puzzles me.

I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked 5 twos!

After "Jammin' In New York", I went from a comedian who wrote his own material to a writer who performed his own material... I became socially conscious, and found I had something to say that wasn't too common.